


Almost an accident it was

by gongheohae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Toxic Relationship, Underage Drinking, but not too angsty i promise, sehun is 18yo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27272314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gongheohae/pseuds/gongheohae
Summary: Their relationship is a series of accidents and each of them makes Sehun fall even deeper.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> While writing this I listened to Code Kunst a lot, especially to "XI" with Lee Hi, so if you want to set up a mood for this, I strongly recommend this song.
> 
> Also, there are two Korean terms in the story that not everyone might be familiar with:  
> goshiwon - a tiny one room flat (basically a bed and a desk) for rent popular among students as it is cheap and does not require a deposit, usually without a private bathroom  
> hakwon- private school, usually a preparatory one, focused on various fields of education and achieving the best exam scores, attended on top of a public school

Almost an accident it was, when he first met Baekhyun, you could say. Late evening boredom, a little bit of self-pity and there he was, legs crossed lazily on his bed as he kept shaking his foot in the air, a habit of his. One swipe, two swipes on his phone, another boring face he decided to try his luck with. Baekhyun wasn’t any different, a profile obviously created with an intention to keep it minimalistic in mind, somehow dark and intriguing yet he saw through all of this facade in a blink. An imposter just like anyone else in there, but with a face somehow cute, not quite matching the age listed down on his profile, numbers seemingly too high to match his features. Swipe, swipe, swipe.

_It’s a match,_ the screen notified as he kicked his blanket of his feet, fixing the pillow underneath his back. He was rather a type to keep it tidy, especially with the very limited space of his room, where every little thing had to match the spot he had assigned for it specifically, yet he was still tripping over a book pile or a bag from time to time. The bed stayed messy, though, an only exception, a comfortable space in the neat surrounding of the room, with too many pillows for its size, the sheets permanently undone and Sehun’s lean body curled in between them. His long limbs and wide shoulders still seemed not to be enough to fill the space up completely, leaving an empty spot as if for someone to take a sit on it. Even though, he still shifted uncomfortably in his position every now and then. Painfully aware of the responsibilities hanging over him, tasks to get done, waiting to be taken care of, he just remained with his eyes fixed on these cute faces he probably wouldn’t even recognize on the streets. On the screen, with how everyone posted their best only, faces flat, smiley, skin glowing, all of them looked disturbingly alike, his match included.

_It’s a match,_ after all, he thought to himself opening the chat window and typing the most obvious “hey”s and “what’s up”s.

Almost an accident it was, that he spent the whole night typing away his most random thoughts into the screen, falling asleep with the birds starting their most annoying serenade sessions by his window and with a slight grin on his face. Almost an accident it was, when he first met Baehyun, you could say, with a little self-pity, boredom and a tiny bit of genuine interest.

He quickly learnt that Baekhyun was majoring in Japanese and would sometimes throw in some Japanese writing into their chats just to annoy him, knowing well enough that he himself could barely read hiragana. The age in his profile, as surprising as it was, considering his face that could be mistaken for a high school freshman, was true, standing proudly at 23 and he would use every single opportunity to playfully tease Sehun about how much of a kid he was, staying bothered with high school problems such as class projects or useless gossips. On contrary, he would always get annoyed as soon as the idea of him being old surfaced in their conversations, babbling about how his youth was over, how he was about to start finding the first gray hairs after shower and how wrinkles were going to show up, ruining his facial features. The cute features, remaining painfully hard to deny, despite how perfectly angled every single one of his pictures seemed to be.

He quickly learnt that Baekhyun was smart with his mouth, his jokes sharp, sometimes almost crossing the borders between funny and rude, playful and filthy but never quite there. Careful. Baekhyun balanced with his words well enough that he would usually leave Sehun confused about what did he really mean, confused but hesitant to ask, worried that he’d ruin the stream of wittiness and tension in the words flowing so easily between the two of them.

He quickly learnt that Baekhyun was a tease, a straightforward player, way more open about his sexuality than Sehun could ever be. Expressing how horny he was out of the blue, approaching Sehun, throwing in smooth remarks about Sehuns physique, causing the intense tension down Sehun’s stomach at the most random moments. Yet he didn’t mind at all, biting on his lip hard as he let the words flow, as he let Baekhyun talk and talk, his words getting a tiny bit more intrusive every single time.

He quickly learnt that as much as Baekhyun was quite a talker, his monologues did not uncover many details about him. He would comment on his surroundings, on situations that happened to him, on the states he was in but barely dropping any actual details about himself. An expressionist, a careful conversation holder, Sehun has realized once having just told him his entire family history when a thought struck him. A thought that he didn’t even know Baekhyun’s surname nor did he have any of his social media profiles other than the dating site one and it never really bothered him before. They just kept talking, words coming out from under their fingers hastily, typing without a break, somehow excitedly. Between Sehun’s classes, as he complained about English being painful to him, with his focus being science in general, as he was taking a bath, a phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, as he was watching TV series on his laptop, loosing all the focus as soon as a notification would pop up. And even when he studied until it was dark and quiet in the building and only a small lamp on his desk would keep him company as he solved one exercise after another, one hand almost glued to the phone thoughtlessly.

Almost an accident it was, when he first actually talked to Baekhyun, you could say. Coming back to the _goshiwon_ after all the extra classes that would finish long after it got dark already was never a pleasant experience for Sehun. He had moved to Seoul by himself, occupying a single student room, as soon as he started high school and would visit his parents staying in Chuncheon for some weekends only. Education remaining his priority, he had decided to move in order to go to the best high school he could get into, and get the most out of the _hakwon_ offers near Seoul National University, that he would pass by every single day just to remind himself of what his goal was. His days always busy, a tiny bit more lonesome and self-dependent than what he could have wished for, but the simplest way possible to getting his education, so he would just bear with it on a daily basis without much room for complaint. He was never the type to complain.

Except for these awful walks back home, weirdly quiet, through the roads that would look abandoned if it wasn’t for some cars passing by from time to time, a kid or two on their way back, walking with their heads hanging down, just like he was. The only sounds around remaining the drunken screams of old guys arguing a few streets away and some high pitched voices trying to shush them. He needed a company.

_Busy? Send me your number,_ he typed into the chat window of the dating app he had no idea why did he still keep as a junk for his phone storage. It’s not like he used it anyways, barely interested every time someone messaged him, conversations dying naturally after a day or two of experiencing how pointless they were, as he knew what would the next message he would receive be as soon as he sent his own. The only conversation that kept him entertained was the one with Baekhyun and they could have moved into Kakao a long time ago, but for some reason, they never mentioned it, sticking to the circumstances they had without questioning or altering them at all. A constant conversation without a break they had would almost feel ruined, interrupted if he offered moving it elsewhere. He regretted sending the message as soon as he did, for this very reason.

A row of digits popping up on his screen caught him off guard.

‘Um, Baekhyun, hi?’, he said, his voice small, somehow caught in the back of his throat, almost hesitant. In his head, Baekhyun was a block of text, a few witty words combined together, an impression and a face he recognized from the blurry photos. Not a voice, a situation where Sehun couldn’t double check what he just wrote not to embarrass himself before sending. The dynamics changed.

‘Well, hi, honestly I was starting to think that you’d never ask for my number’, he heard a muffled laughter on the other side. In his head, Baekhyun’s voice was lively, high-pitched, almost annoying and overflowing with emotion, yet elegant, a perfect Seoul accent. In reality, it was slightly nasal, definitely stable, almost indifferent, with any hints of emotion difficult to recognize. A sound not necessarily low, but on the lower side. Unexpected. ‘What’s gotten into you so suddenly, babe?’

As Sehun felt the tiniest shiver at the affectionate word, he started talking freely, his lips doing what his fingers would always do, articulating a word after a word about the least important issues, with Baekhyun letting out the small “mhm”s and chuckles on the other side. Baekhyun was quite a talker and Sehun, much to his own surprise, found himself talking no less than the man. Usually, he was perceived to be the quiet type, the one to answer only when asked and keep most things to himself, an image much different to the one that he showed to Baekhyun and that came to him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Almost an accident it was that this night he fell into his bedsheets with a phone by his ear, Baekhyun’s soft chuckle echoing in his head, you could say. Sehun, for some reason, kept telling him all the stories of his exes and the most dramatic breakups with Baekhyun expressing how he would ruin all of them jokingly for treating Sehun the way they did. Reasurring, in a way.

Next came the pictures, that got Sehun by a surprise. The last thing he would expect sitting by his desk late in the evening, nose almost buried in the textbook trying to find the information he needed to solve all the questions, was a sudden picture he received from Baekhyun. They would send each other pictures, of course they would, pictures of their surroundings, selfies, but there was always a context, a _show me_ that caused a picture to follow, never a random shot like this.

And never a shot of Baekhyun shirtless, with his pants unbuttoned, a hand resting on his chest lazily, his body arched ever so slightly. Skin smooth, stomach toned, but not packed, a shade creating the perfect contrast with the dark fabric on the lower half of his body.

_Like what you see?,_ said the message he received immediately after, strangely casual and only natural in a way. As if the situation wasn’t unusual at all.

With his texts messy, spelling embarrassingly incorrect, he kept typing his thoughts away, all the things he wished he could do to that body, all the lust that’d been building up in him for too long, the other hand down his own pants, hurried, desperate as he came with his eyes fixed on the picture.

_That was fun,_ the next text said. Sehun breathed deeply, unsteadily as he rushed to the shower, tossing the phone into the bedsheets.

An accident it was, when he first saw Baekhyun, you could surely say. Walking down the street on a short break between school and extracurricular activities, a scenario as painfully _cliché_ as it could get. The first week after winter that could be consider a warm one with a bit of an effort, light coats on the streets slowly outnumbering thick jackets, and there he saw him. By one of the coffee shop tables freshly put outside, on the street, as soon as the warm, spring wind first blew, dressed too lightly for the weather, an oversized hoodie, so big that it almost devoured his body, a phone in one hand, an iced drink in another and Sehun recognized him in a blink of an eye.

‘Baekhyun?’, he asked approaching the man, hesitant, as if he didn’t know it was him instantly, acting unsure on purpose.

The man looked up and his dull expression brightened up as soon as he saw him. Hair messy from the wind blowing strongly that day, cheeks flushed from the chilly weather, there he was, a physical person and not a low-quality picture. There he was, there was Baekhyun.

‘Sehun, hi!’, he stood up immediately, hand on Sehun’s shoulder, a hint of affection as he rubbed his thumb in circular motions on the fabric of Sehun’s school uniform, holding onto it for a second longer than it was probably necessary, ‘You busy? Sit down with me.’

So he sat down as he was told, facing Baekhyun for the first time, eyes running up and down the man’s body, images of his naked chest, thighs flashing through his mind. He sat there as if it was the only option he was given, as if he didn’t have classes, his own responsibilities, stuff to get done, his eyes fixed on Baekhyun only. He was way shorter than he seemed in the pictures, Sehun noticed, his expression almost child-like, face lighting up constantly at whatever he found interesting, hands curious and always playing with whatever he had around. A cup, a sleeve, Sehun’s palm, whatever it was, Baekhyun’s curious fingers would touch it, rub it, clench onto it. Despite the youthful image, the voice remained seemingly out of place, a stable tone, low grunts when he complained about the slightest things.

They talked as if it hadn’t been their first meeting, unexpected and awkward, Baekhyun brushing any sign of awkwardness between them away as soon as it would appear, thoughtful and careful with his words. Conversation flowing naturally, like it always did, but this time with expressions, motions of the body, everything that only added up to the slight excitement he felt every single time he was talking to Baekhyun, in front of him. Overwhelming.

‘Oh, I think I gotta go, I’m almost late for work’, the smaller man suddenly said with his eyes apologetic, corners of his lips curved downwards.

‘You work?’, he asked, a bit too nervously, almost accusingly. Baekhyun had never mentioned work before.

‘Yeah, part-time, in the Japanese grocery store’, Baekhyun shrugged, standing up suddenly, ‘Not much of a language practice, but it’s better for me to have this than nothing. And the money isn’t bad’, he grinned for a mere second just so he could reenact the previous grin immediately after, ‘So…’

Sehun stood up as well, only then noticing the height difference properly. He could wrap Baekhyun in his arms and cover his body almost completely, he thought to himself. Hold down both of his wrists with one hand.

‘See you again soon, hopefully?’, Sehun finally said, breaking the sudden silence between them.

‘Yeah’, Baekhyun mumbled, leaning closer and reaching upwards to throw a shoulder around the taller’s body. His thumb rubbing circles on Sehun’s back, again, slight pressure applied, strong enough for him to notice and stiffen at the gesture.

An accident it was, that he was an hour late and skipped his extra lesson for the first time, you could certainly say. Hand clenching around his backpack strap, his school uniform feeling strangely irrelevant and out of place suddenly, he walked home, feeling a familiar buzz from his pocket where his phone was.


	2. II

_Hey, a date tonight maybe?,_ he typed thoughtlessly on his way to the school in the morning. Having seen Baekhyun once, even though it hadn’t been necessarily planned, caused a strange craving at the tips of his fingers. The air was chilly again, early in the morning and the grass he was passing by seemed gray under the thick fog of polluted air, yet his mind didn’t seem to notice, bursting with excitement at the random sentence he had just sent.

_I don’t do dates, darling._

The reply came almost instantly and Sehun struggled to process it as he received another one right away.

_But I’m up to meet you tonight, drinks if you’d like? You can drink legally, right?_

He could feel his mind calm down, strangely, still unable to understand as he typed.

_Of course I can. My treat._

The world he lived in didn’t quite get the “no dates” idea, thus he didn’t even know how he should feel about the thought and what did it mean, exactly. Dark clouds of thoughts approached him slowly, a throughout analysis of every single action Baekhyun ever performed towards him but he shrugged it off lightheartedly, or at least he thought he did. He was seeing Baekhyun that day, after all, and would be able to get the meaning of this out of him himself. Entering the school building, nodding his head politely at the students he was passing by, he reached for his phone again.

Almost an accident it was, when he first learned that Baekhyun indeed didn’t do dates nor did he do relationships, you could say. It slipped out during the conversation, both of them already tipsy, another cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of the man’s mouth, a thick smoke, an intense smell surrounding them. It came out as the most natural thing ever, over Sehun’s beer that he didn’t hold too well and Baekhyun’s drink, colorful and way too expensive for a high schooler’s wallet but Sehun pretended not to care at all when he paid the bill, in his had analyzing the contents of his fridge and an estimated time he could go on without doing groceries.

‘Now I got no time, no heart for commitment. A nice company, getting physical, I’m good with that’, Baekhyun stated, rolling his straw between his slim fingers, when he finished a funny story that featured one of his exes, ‘I’m a bit of a loner, but a needy one’, he chuckled softly and Sehun did, too. When Baekhyun said it so playfully, it seemed funny, even though his mind didn’t really process what had the man said exactly.

He learnt that Baekhyun claimed that he didn’t do dates, but would call him “baby” and “darling” and rest his fingers on his thigh and as he would hug him unexpectedly, land his nose in the crook of his neck and scrunch it when Sehun would tell a joke, sensation so delicate that it was hardly there. Baekhyun claimed he didn’t do relationships, but when they talked about their daily lives, their weekly schedules, he was pleased to find out their free evenings overlapped.

Baekhyun would jump a little in his seat every time he would recall something he could tell Sehun and would do so immediately, his voice a little shakier, a tiny bit more high-pitched. There was a weird, twinkling sensation surrounding Baekhyun when he would talk about his studies, about how much he had learnt, same sensation to when after another drink, he talked about how he used to hate getting fingered, always wishing he could just skip that part but has come to realize he actually cherished it dearly. Sehun blushed at first, first time hearing such things said out loud, things he had always considered to be left unspoken, and Baekhyun noticed. When he asked Sehun why did he feel ashamed, he couldn’t come up with a reasonable answer, shame slowly disappearing, leaving a spot for a quiet giggle at his own silliness.

Sehun didn’t hold his alcohol well, with the minimal drinking experience he had, and a few beers making him feel strangely confident, a sudden wave of an unfamiliar energy in his body. He found himself grabbing Baekhyun, holding him close to his side, his approach strong and Baekhyun did not resist, the warmth of his body comforting in a way, fitting just right under his arm.

When they eventually left the bar, an hour unreasonable for a week night, Baekhyun’s tipsiness seemingly gone, he didn’t even remember he needed to call a cab until the man reminded him of it, already on his phone for a ride home. It struck him, the difference in their mindsets, the child-like Baekhyun turning into a responsible adult immediately when the situation required him to, while he himself didn’t even remember the address they’re at, not to mention figuring out that a cab was, indeed, needed.

Almost an accident it was, when he leaned in to place a small peck on Baekhyun’s full cheek but ended up being pulled in for a kiss, needy, almost violent, his lips swollen and shining with spit in the darkness, you could say. On his ride home, he reminded himself that it wasn’t a date and could feel his muscles become tense at the thought as he clenched his fists.

It was as if Baekhyun’s confidence, how certain he acted about whatever he was about to do, affected Sehun, too. He found himself walking with his head up visibly higher through the school hallway, looking even taller than he actually was, towering over other students as if he was a few levels over them. The feeling was new, fresh and made Sehun act cockily, care much less about how did others perceive him; confident that they did in the same way Baekhyun did, going on about the beautiful legs of his, the body strong enough to pin someone down easily.

Baekhyun, no matter how hard he emphasized how insecure and nervous of a person he was, seemed to act as rather the opposite. He wandered through his life with people stepping aside just to create new paths for him, offering him their arms so he could walk around comfortably with a stable support. He was a kind of person whose whole attitude seemed to be asking to be cared for and Sehun found himself easily affected.

 _Did you eat?_ , he would type on his phone every afternoon, still the same dating site chat they never left, never moved elsewhere. Each time they met, he would find himself wrapping his arm around Baekhyun’s waist leisurely, catching his palm for quick seconds when they walked side by side and when Baekhyun would kiss him, short of breath, not only his mouth, but the whole body moving lustfully, his hands would fit just right down the smaller man’s back.

Almost an accident it was, when the fact that he was a virgin first slipped out of Sehun’s mouth, you could say. Laying on his bed, with Baekhyun curled up by his side, joking casually, the smaller man in one of his moods where every single word at the tip of his tongue would drip with lust.

‘Don’t know’, he mumbled at one of Baekhyun’s questions, one of the most specific ones, just to meet the smaller’s confused gaze as he brushed his hair away from his forehead lazily, ‘I mean, never experienced that. So I got no idea, honestly, but I guess, yeah.’

A soft _huff_ escaped the slightly opened mouth of Baekhyun’s as he looked up at Sehun, curious this time. His lips trembled softly, tongue moving behind the rows of teeth, words at the very tip that were left unsaid with a sigh as he dropped his gaze. Baekhyun’s fingers were playing with a loop of Sehun’s belt and Sehun could swear that the other man could feel all of his muscles go tense at the silence under the palm of his hand.

‘Adorable’, Baekhyun announced, the sound of his voice close to a whisper and Sehun hated the _adorable_ as soon as he heard it.

With Baekhyun physically by his side, all he dreamt of was as far from being adorable as it could be. With Baekhyun’s every move and every word dripping with an unnamed mixture of confidence and precision allowing him to get exactly what he wanted every single time, he had almost felt as if he was like that, too, until that moment. His confession made him feel exposed, vulnerable, but strangely, Baekhyun did not seem to mind, now pressing soft kisses down the side of Sehun’s neck.

‘Maybe it could be you’.

He didn’t realize he had said that out loud, not until he felt Baekhyun’s lips leave his neck behind to move away, to look at him closely. The sentence wasn’t even a full one but it didn’t need to be. The feeling of being exposed, almost transparent as if his body was made of a see-through fabric, layers of which all could be seen within one glance hit him much stronger than before. Baekhyun’s eyes narrowed, the thin, crescent shape making it impossible to fully see what was hidden behind the half-closed eyelids as he hummed quietly, a sound pleasant to the ears. The corners of his mouth moved up just a tiny bit, but his whole face, despite the barely visible smile, looked pleased, as his gaze, eyes now properly opened, focused on Sehun.

‘Maybe it could be me’.

For someone who at the first glance appeared to be the most collected person on earth, Baekhyun was actually quite nervous. Under all of the precision in his moves, you could see a hint of an image far from the one on the surface. Baekhyun was a talker, Sehun noticed, but the words coming out of his mouth were often meaningless, just a stream of random thoughts, fired from behind his lips just to fight the silence, to prevent it from appearing at all. Sehun wasn’t afraid of silence and liked the rare moments when Baekhyun would be too absorbed with his own thoughts too talk, just to start talking again, lightning speed, short moments after. He liked the way Baekhyun’s eyebrows narrowed down and his nose was covered in horizontal wrinkles during these short moments, but Baekhyun rarely allowed himself to experience those in Sehun’s presence. Constant stream of words, mostly without any value, sometimes silly, that would still make him focused on listening because Baekhyun was a talker not only with his words, but with the expressions he would make, his gestures, the fuss he was creating around himself with every word mixed with an unsure look in his eye as he looked around the room to reassure himself that he was being heard, that he was making an impression. ‘You are’, Sehun wanted to say, though there wasn’t even a question being asked, for the man to notice that he just wasn’t the type to be ignored, that all eyes were on him, no matter if it was in a crowd or in the room with two of them only.

When the attention was off him, Sehun noticed, the man would become almost visibly smaller, fingers fidgeting nervously, throwing short glances from over the object he would fix his gaze on, acting occupied and he sometimes wished he could just hold him, show him that even then, he was still being noticed, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to. It was as if there was a bubble, a transparent barrier around Baekhyun in those short moments, distant and undiscovered and he didn’t want to break it for him.

Not only then the signs of disturbing emotions would appear. Sehun was rather quiet, sometimes too quiet, as he heard from Baekhyun once and that was what triggered the nervousness, too. He didn’t like to waste his words on the matters that were obvious or not worth mentioning, a trait that the other man couldn’t understand, always biting at his lip as he finished his monologue and waited for Sehun’s reply coming a tiny bit too late for his liking and way too short. When Baekhyun was annoyed, he would announce it loudly for the whole world to know and respond, for the issue to be resolved quickly and successfully and for the peace to be restored. When Sehun was annoyed, he would quiet down, waiting for the feeling to pass, careful not to flood anyone with the negative stuff that he was convinced he could sort out himself.

‘You should let the feelings out, holding them in will not make them disappear, it will only make it worse’, Baekhyun exclaimed once, sighing loudly as Sehun just nodded, his expression tense.

For Baekhyun everything was so easy to discuss, to solve, to approach with an open-mind and honesty, to lay his feelings down on a table for the other person to analyze. Sehun wondered if that was how adults overcome any obstacles as he nodded his head in silence and noticed Baekhyun’s fingers fidgeting nervously, again.

Almost an accident it was, how quickly Sehun learnt the smallest details about Baekhyun’s body, you could say. How he would hold onto him as if he was the only person left on the entire earth and how his grip would tighten and tighten, nails leaving visible marks as his breathing would gradually loose a steady rhythm. Baekhyun’s body would tremble uncontrollably, his signature gestures and expressions left behind, long forgotten and replaced by the rare sight of clearly intimidated features that Sehun just couldn’t get enough of.

Every layer of clothing uncovering the soft flesh as he was gradually, unhurriedly getting rid of it all would make him feel weirdly dizzy, eyes following the smallest curves of the body under his fingertips. He would almost feel about to just devour Baekhyun, unable to think straight, to hold back but somehow managing to, too aware of how shaky his hands were, how hesitant deep down he was, afraid that he would do something wrong and he would never wish to see Baekhyun disappointed in him.

“Baby, you’re so good to me”, Baekhyun would always whisper in between the deep sighs, in between the small kisses he would press to the side of Sehun’s neck, “Fuck, baby, right there”, he would whimper, body arching towards the other’s fingers, teeth biting on his own lip and Sehun’s mind going blank at the sight.

Seeing Baekhyun like this, so different from his ordinary self and so dependent on everything he did, responsive in the way that seemed to scream at him that he was doing it right, was what he wished to see every single day without a break, what he replayed in his head constantly. He knew he wasn’t a born lover, his actions hesitant at first, maybe a bit too careful but Baekhyun would do everything to make him believe, to show him it did not matter, that it was okay regardless.

His teeth sinking deep in Baekhyun’s flesh, muffled groans, hips bucking forward in the rhythm gradually becoming messier as he could not control his body anymore, all of these images engraved deeply in his memory, in his heart. Baekhyun’s moans creating the sweetest melody, his body dancing as his fist clenched tightly on the sheets, back arching with every move all of that bringing Sehun the sensations he never ever dreamt of. So unexplainably good, leaving him craving for more as soon as he would fall back on the sheets, inhaling, exhaling, running his fingers through his hair with a short “Fuck” he was never aware he was saying out loud and Baekhyun’s hand on him, caressing his skin. Funny how delicate, barely noticeable the touch was, considering the bruises the very same touch would cause mere seconds before, Sehun would notice, leaning in for short, lazy kisses.

“Where are you going?”, he asked Baekhyun right after the first time they’d done it, as he noticed, despite his hazy mind filled with the delicious warmth, the man sitting on the edge of the bed, about to stand up. Baekhyun’s gaze as he looked at him was a strange mixture of pure surprise and confusion, “Stay”.

So Baekhyun did, as he nodded quietly, his expression unchanged, his body back to his usual, stiff self again. Regardless, he hugged Baekhyun tightly to his chest, giggling quietly, a single thought of how they should do this more often occupying his mind.

Even when Baekhyun was not physically with him, their schedules colliding, different errands to be done or “the adult stuff”, as the older would sometimes refer to it jokingly, his small frame was still the main character of Sehun’s thoughts. He was never one of these kids with their noses buried in their phones, focused on the world around, people instead, but he noticed his friends pointing out that he wasn’t even listening to what they were saying, eyes glued to the screen, more and more often. Baekhyun wasn’t the type to enjoy phone calls much. He explained to Sehun once that texting allowed him to get stuff done in the meanwhile, while on the phone he wouldn’t focus, so sticking to texting would make him able to finish quickly and meet him instead.

He didn’t argue with that, remaining as understanding as he could, but if he were to be honest with himself, it wasn’t exactly how he liked it. He preferred to hear Baekhyun’s voice, his laughter, as much as he could and sometimes when Baekhyun would decline his calls, he would almost feel a physical aching in his chest.

But he would just brush it off, thinking of how in the end Baekhyun will end up in his arms again and the amount of unanswered calls will be long forgotten. “Sorry, baby”, the man would say every time, smiling ever so slightly as if to bring even the tiniest amount of comfort to Sehun. His eyebrows furrowed, little wrinkles showing in the very middle of his forehead, Baekhyun would stare at him, seeking a confirmation that it was all fine in his gaze, fingers brushing his wrist, a feather-like touch.

“It’s okay”, Sehun said one time, with Baekhyun standing at the door to his tiny apartment after the whole day of ignoring his calls. He was breathing heavily, eyes narrowed and Sehun knew that expression too well. “I know you were busy, come in”, he said reaching out to grab the smaller body, groaning as he felt the tight grip at the back of his loose, worn out t-shirt, his own hands groping the man’s body almost aggressively. The smaller, yet plump lips placing delicate kisses on his jawline and the smaller, yet skillful hand working its way through his zipper at the craziest pace and Sehun was long, long gone, mind hazy as he closed the apartment door leading them to the bed.

Almost an accident it was, when Sehun carelessly let another set of words he had never planned to say slip out of his mouth, you could say. A problem of his, of a person who used their words only when necessary – expressing his thoughts outside of that was never appropriate for the situation, as if he still wasn’t used to the thought that not everything can be said at all times. His mother would always recall, at the biggest of their family gatherings, how he always used to straightforwardly ask other children on the playground why didn’t they like him, catching them off guard just to hear the least pleasant explanations and he hated hearing this story. It always caused him to do nothing other than to sink in his own embarrassment, knowing that he still didn’t change this trait of his at all, remaining just as childish.

‘Let me take you out on a date’, he mumbled, funnily unsure of his own word but with his body as confident as ever regardless. They were again, cramped on Sehun’s bed, Baekhyun’s back leaned down onto the taller’s legs, a book on his lap in an attempt to focus on his studies. His fingers playing lazily with the older’s hair, so relaxed that he didn’t even think of what he was about to say beforehand. A mistake.

‘Baby’, a reply came almost instantly. Baekhyun’s tone sharp, steady. Suddenly the pet name sounded like an insult with the tone of someone who was about to get back to his feet and leave the small room immediately, leaving the coldest breeze behind. Sehun froze. A realization that he really did say it and that he couldn’t do anything about it now that it had been said hit him as a rock as he waited patiently for the older to continue, “You know I don’t do dates.”

What came out from between the man’s lips, suddenly narrowed, was nothing other than a hiss. All of his body tense and even though he did his best to appear as his usual self in a matter of seconds, Sehun still did notice. He bit his lip, waiting for Baekhyun to erase all of the signs of his nervousness that he visibly didn’t want the boy to notice from his expression.

‘Let me rephrase then?’, Sehun started, after a while, doing his best to keep his voice casual despite the lump in his throat. He coughed, the sound exaggerated on purpose, trying to loosen up the atmosphere still as sharp as a knife, ‘Let me take you out’.

He could feel Baekhyun’s whole body relaxing, sinking down into the mattress comfortably as he purred a short ‘Mm, good’, hand reaching out to grab Sehun’s fingers as if nothing had happened a short while before. His fingers caressing the boy’s wrist, his palm, seeking physical affection, tiny lips starting to mumble about the places that were nice to visit. For a second, Sehun wondered whether the whole scene ever took place in reality or whether it was just his imagination haunting him.

Almost an accident it was, when at the realization, he clenched his fists a little too hard, making the older man jump in his seat, you could say. When asked what was it about, Sehun knew better this time and instead of expressing what was on his mind, he just shrugged and said that he was just tired hence his body acted a little strange.

“I got parents to visit too, you know?”, the man said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice not to go unnoticed as he fidgeted his fingers in his usual manner. This remark was most definitely not what Sehun was hoping to hear when he suggested they spent the older’s birthday together.

The thing that caught him off guard, though, was not the fact that Baekhyun obviously had other plans for his special day, ruining his thoroughly prepared idea of how they should spend it, but the fact that Baekhyun was right. The slightly sarcastic manner in his voice could be completely justified as he was right, Sehun had never considered the possibility that there had been something Baekhyun hadn’t told him about, as absurd as it might have sounded. In his head, Baekhyun’s life revolved around his studies, work and him, solely.

“Yeah, obviously…”, he answered, trying not to sound bothered, “Another day, then? Got you a gift, wanna celebrate your day”, he added, the corners of his lips turning upwards as he tried to focus on their conversation instead of his own thoughts that kept buzzing in his head, a noise difficult to stand.

The moment it first hit him, he realized that he didn’t know much about Baekhyun. He knew his daily life, the small details of every single of his days, he knew what he liked or what he hated, knew all of his habits, gestures, but that was it. As much as Baekhyun shared his abstract thoughts, he never shared anything about his background. Sehun didn’t even know the name of his hometown, never heard any high school or childhood stories, nothing more than short remarks of “I also did that when I was your age”. He suddenly felt silly for telling Baekhyun all the unnecessary details about himself. He wished he could just ask the man about all the childhood stories, parents’ occupation or what object he picked from miscellaneous scattered around the table on his first birthday but he felt that he shouldn’t. That maybe Baekhyun didn’t find him a companion worthy of hearing those.

“Next week then”, he finally announced, his voice suddenly surprisingly small as if the most of the sound got stuck in his throat as he gave the man a small smile. In an attempt to just avoid further discussion on a subject, he picked up a controller and turned on a game they had paused a while ago, to immersed in a spontaneous make out session and then left forgotten. A cramped space of Sehun’s room wasn’t much of use when it came to gaming and he often complained how the only way for them to play together was attaching cheap controllers to the laptop and using the small screen. Baekhyun would assure him he doesn’t mind, but he once mentioned that in his room he had a huge desk for the sole purpose of gaming. Sehun would love to go and see that, but Baekhyun’s roommates seemed so horrible just from the anecdotes he’d heard that he finally decided he could live without that.

“Are drinks a part of your birthday surprise?”, asked the older man, who quickly joined the game and had his eyes fixed on a screen, “I feel like getting wasted with you”.

A response, so typical for Baekhyun, made Sehun forget what he’d worried about seconds before and feel the corners of his mouth curve upwards.


	3. III

Almost an accident it was, when Sehun realized he had no idea who exactly was Baekhyun to him, you could say. The moments they shared, the late-night conversations, the physical pleasure he adored so much did not fit under the label “friend”, they never did. He never found himself with his gaze following his friends around the room, not missing a single move they made, never getting bored. Even the way they met did not match the definition of friendship. At all. Luckily, he didn’t give himself many opportunities to talk about Baekhyun and be bound to refer to him somehow.

It wasn’t only Baekhyun who was being mysterious and wouldn’t share many details about himself if he wasn’t asked about them directly. Sehun wouldn’t talk about Baekhyun either. He wouldn’t mention him at all around his friends, started being extra careful for anyone not to catch a glimpse of his screen when he texted him and shrugged every invitation he got with a vague “I’m busy” without much explanation. When he was out with his school friends and his phone was ringing, he would always excuse himself to pick it up, bringing up made up family issues so that the others wouldn’t push him on the matter.

His classmates often teased him for it, not buying the family stuff at all and blabbering about his “secret girlfriend”, asking him things such as “Is she hot?” or “Gonna introduce us?”. If it’d been a few months prior, he would probably laugh with them and enjoy this kind of teasing, but now he just found it immature. His perspective had changed drastically and he would find himself just giving them a faint smile in response every time he heard these remarks. He once complained to Baekhyun about it just to hear him ask “Why won’t you just tell them about me?” and that caught him off guard. He had no idea how to reply to that.

The time he spent with Baekhyun was something very different from his usual daily life. He felt the difference to the point that he could almost feel the distance between his days with and without Baekhyun around him. With Baekhyun he didn’t study, he didn’t worry about studies, he didn’t spend time in the library or listening to who out of his friends got laid the previous week and how amazing it was. With Baekhyun he was focused on the good things, the fun things only, their time together almost felt like a breather, a time when he could let his mind relax properly.

Their time together quickly became something precious to Sehun, something that he wanted to avoid getting mixed with his daily life at all costs, anxious that it’ll become just as casual as everything else. He got so skilled at avoiding bringing the subject of Baekhyun up to his friends and family that he didn’t even have to lie, swiftly leading the conversations in other ways or throwing in some jokes whenever he found it necessary. Questions he was asked, whenever they brushed the subject of Baekhyun even in the slightest way possible, he perceived as intrusion, immediately getting defensive. He wanted these moments, his vivid and bright getaway, to remain for his eyes and ears only.

But his attitude didn’t help the fact that he knew that if the name “Baekhyun” ever unavoidably came up, he wouldn’t know what to call him. They weren’t “lovers”, as much as he liked the idea, sounding pretentious and mature, especially in his high school friend circle, it didn’t quite grasp the very essence of their relationship. It was not purely physical nor did it have the pretentious, dramatic undertone that the word indicated. It was much more than skin to skin only, but too casual, and it didn’t much any of the colliquations the term had. They certainly weren’t “boyfriends”, with Baekhyun being the free spirit, explicitly against any labeled relationships and not hesitating to voice his opinion on them at any given occasion. No matter how hard Sehun thought of all the possibilities, none of the words seemed to fit quite right.

Almost an accident it was, when the word “boyfriend” stuck to Sehun’s mind, you could say. A silent wish, finding a comfortable spot in the very middle of all his thoughts and never letting go, reminding him of its existence a little too frequently, a little too hard.

Baekhyun, when under his touch, opened up more than any other given moment. Just a single brush of Sehun’s fingers could cause a whole range of emotions visible in his expression one after another. Whether it was lust or whether it was something else, Sehun could never tell, but he felt the most satisfied he’d ever felt in his life whenever he managed to catch a glimpse of this look on the other’s face. Baekhyun’s body seemed to melt under his touch, of the smallest, and usually hidden at first, muscles tensing up one after another just to relax after a short while alongside loud, explicit moans traveling from the man’s lips to Sehun’s own through sloppy kissed dripping with want.

Touching Baekhyun always made Sehun’s mind dizzy, his vision blurry and the memories of the naked, arched body haunting him days after. He himself, although focused on studying, getting the best academic results and sometimes avoiding parties as well, was never the one to avoid physical encounters. He was aware of his needs that his teenage body would express at the least appropriate moments and he always made sure to fulfill them but never in his short life had he experienced the things and the feelings he had with Baekhyun. Baekhyun, hovering over his own body, laying under him, trapped between his frame and a wall, in any position given, was giving it his everything. He acted as the need to satisfy was the only one he ever had, doing things Sehun had never imagined happening outside of the most explicit sites he sometimes visited and then quickly deleted his browser history after. An almost obscene type, as Sehun would refer to him in his thoughts at first, before he realized that the rougher they got, the better he himself felt as well. Every time they got physical, he had though of it as of even more intoxicating than any time before, leaving him breathless as their bodies would fall resting over one another.

Passionate, rough, loud and always the dirtiest talkers, a peek at their tangled bodies would probably make the viewer thing they’re encountering a fight of a kind. Baekhyun had no limits, he never got tired, never felt like anything was too much, was always craving for more and it only made Sehun want more and more himself, never completely satisfied, as if something was missing.

A few words, for instance, a silent promise, a whisper more tender, more caring, loving, than the desperate moans. But he loved these moans, the moans that always made him dizzy, and clung onto those, pushing the thoughts of the words he’d never hear to the very back of his mind.

Almost an accident it was, when he finally realized, you could say. His mind focused on Baekhyun so much that his academic performance level dropped drastically, that it made his parents disappointed and worried, that made Sehun himself anxious about his future. Knowing how interesting his daily life could get, he couldn’t bring himself to stay focused on his studies anymore and when he shared his problem to Baekhyun once, the answer he got made him more puzzled than enlightened.

“It’s about some balance, you see”, the man said as his eyebrows dropped. They always did that whenever he was worried, usually when Sehun would share his least positive thoughts with him, “You can experience anything, anything you want in life, as long as you keep it balance. You focus on relaxing too much, your grades drop. You join the rat race, you stop being relaxed. See? You cannot have them both, both of the things that you feel like you want and need, if you focus on one of them only”.

“Balance, huh…”, Sehun whispered, not quite getting it. Maybe he was too young for this, he thought to himself, maybe it was one of these adult skills he didn’t acquire yet and probably never would considering how abstract the idea seemed to him. When he focused on something, he would give it his all. Moreover, Baekhyun’s advice didn’t seem as comforting as he thought it would be, “Thanks”, he said regardless.

Baekhyun gave him a faint smile and reached to the table near the bed where he’d put his lighter a while before.

“Be right back, smoke”, he said and left the apartment.

Sehun sighed. He was used to the fact that Baekhyun smoked a lot, and used to the fact that Baekhyun always gave him some time to himself when he thought he needed it even if in reality the only thing Sehun needed was some cuddles. He quickly got up deciding that laying in bed would not help him keep his mind occupied at all and that making some coffee for Baekhyun and himself would be a much better idea. The discovery of the fact that all of the coffee in his small room was gone filled him with sudden relief. A walk. A walk and some fresh air would be an amazing opportunity to think of his education, he decided as he put on his shoes.

It was stuffy outside and he didn’t find it to be much help in clearing is mind as he took his time walking slowly. One step, two steps, no matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t even remember the dates of his upcoming exams, not to mention lots of ground his year had covered. The fact that he saw a familiar silhouette standing at the end of the street, a cigarette in his hand, his back turned at him, did not help his focus at all as he slowly walked closer to the man.

“Imma be back tonight, alright?”, he heard Baekhyun’s voice, a little raised, maybe a bit nervous, “Don’t forger to do the laundry, okay?”.

Ah, his roommates, Sehun thought. The one’s he’d heard a lot of stories about and none of them was flattering.

“I’ll make it up to you baby, okay?”, the man said, quieter, but loud enough for Sehun to hear it just fine, to hear the last word just well enough, “Of course, after all, you know what my mouth can do, don’t you?”, he continued and then chuckled and Sehun didn’t hear anything that came after that, nothing apart from the sudden ringing in his ears. He froze right then, right there, couldn’t take a step, couldn’t make a sound, he just stood there dumbfounded. A “baby” and then some dirty talk were more than clear to him.

He wished he could say he had expected this as right then, after he heard these words, it seemed painfully obvious, but he hadn’t. He hadn’t at all, too caught up in his little dreamy idea of the bond they shared. Of how he was for sure the only guy, just not an official boyfriend.

“Sehun? Sehun?”, he only noticed Baekhyun when the man approached him, eyebrows dropped, his hand placed over Sehun’s shoulder, a hand that he grabbed and shoved away instantly, “What happened?”.

The man seemed clueless.

“You tell me”, Sehun said, his teeth clenched, his face showing no emotion but lips shaking just a little. It took everything he had to remain calm, “Overheard your little chat over the phone”.

“Ah, this? Sorry about that, shouldn’t have been so graphic on the streets in broad daylight”, he shrugged, still looking just as clueless, as if he didn’t quite realize what the situation was.

“And you were talking to…?”

“Chanyeol, my boyfriend”, the man answered casually and that was what made Sehun break.

“A boyfriend? A fucking boyfriend, Mr. “I don’t do boyfriends”?”, he didn’t even realize he was shouting, that his voice raised instantly, that he took two steps back, away from Baekhyun and that his face probably portrayed nothing but anger, jealousy. A single thought crossed his mind of how pathetic must he have looked, shouting on the street, jealous of some guy who’d never promised him anything but he couldn’t have cared. He clenched his fists.

Baekhyun sighed. He just stood there and sighed, totally calm, while Sehun was there shaking, was about to burst with anger.

“Well, what was I supposed to tell you?”, Baekhyun said in a soft, quiet voice, seemingly trying to calm him down, “What a great subject to talk about after we fuck would it be – my boyfriend. Should’ve thought about it earlier, should’ve came up with this brilliant idea to discuss my boyfriend with you, oh how silly I was not to mention such an important little detail.”

“Don’t you dare act all sarcastic right now”. He forced himself not to shout, but the tone of his voice remained firm and just as angry.

“How can I not when you’re telling me you never realized? Damn, all this time I was convinced that you had it figured out from the very beginning and ever since we both purposefully avoided the subject”, the man let out a small giggle, as if he really couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “And now you’re blaming me? It was obvious Sehun, you gotta be blind not to have noticed that”.

He tried opening his mouth to say something but no word came out from in-between his lips. And there was no word he thought of saying apart from “You are right”. Baekhyun was right, it had been obvious. The way Baekhyun never invited him over to his flat, how he never introduced him to his friends or family, how he never even invited him to his workplace. Or how he always had to leave suddenly but never cared to properly explain why, how he always carried his phone with him, never leaving it unannounced. All of the puzzle pieces suddenly seemed to fit. “You are right” was the only right thing to say, he thought, but it was the only thing he couldn’t bring himself to say as well.

“Go”, he hissed just to see a surprised look on Baekhyun’s face, “Just fucking leave and don’t ever call me again. Don’t call, text, don’t visit me”, he went on but the man just stood there, not moving an inch, “I said fucking go!”, and only when he almost screamed, the man turned back on his heel not even bothered to take one last look at Sehun.

Almost an accident it was that he made it back safe to his room that day, you could say. He couldn’t remember a single minute of what happened after Baekhyun left, as if a piece of his consciousness disappeared for a while.

Late evening boredom, a little bit of self-pity and there he was, wrapped in his blankets, one of his textbooks on the pillow by his head, a mobile game open on the screen and his fingers clicking away hazily. Click, click, click, putting one colorful block after another in their respectful places on his phone thoughtlessly. His mind was not focused on the game at all, it wasn’t focused on anything to be precise. He would get up to take a single look at a textbook, lying to himself that he was studying, every fifteen minutes or so just to go back to the game and ignore the notifications from the conversations with his friends. He was bored, yet he couldn’t bring himself to do much.

It’d been a month since he first became like that, spending all of his evenings this exact way if you don’t take the evenings when his friends literally forced him to go out into account. A month of reverting all of the small habits he’d made with the man he now cursed into the habits he’d used to have alone. It took a lot of nonstop thinking to even recall how it’d been before he’d met the man whom he’d perceived as a fraud since the very beginning. How blind he’d been to change this opinion on him all too soon, he couldn’t forgive himself for that, torturing himself, being hard on himself every single day.

One habit he did not drop, and it was a habit of not mentioning Baekhyun to anyone. When his friends asked what was going on with him, seeing him spacing out, his expression dull, he always ensured them it was nothing but he was sure they didn’t believe him, even though it was true. It was nothing, it wasn’t anything like a breakup. They were never a couple, they were never anything, it was just him getting his hopes up, letting his guard down and his emotions loose. And him still waking up in the morning with the urge to message him, call him, hear his voice, touch him again and then beating himself up right after.

Painfully aware of the responsibilities hanging over him, tasks to get done, waiting to be taken care of, he just remained with his eyes fixed on the screen, mindlessly clicking. He’d gotten quite good at ignoring his notifications, or that was just what he’d thought of himself before a message popped up on an app he’d long forgotten he ever had installed. A small “hey” with too many y’s at the end, a manner rather typical, was enough for Sehun to recognize the sender immediately. There was a lump in his throat and he felt his palms sweat a little, yet he still opened the notification almost instantly.

He typed an _I thought I made myself clear_ and put his phone away, fighting the urge to just throw it to the nearest wall.

_Is that so?_

He could almost feel this little cocky grin of Baekhyun’s on the other side of the screen when the reply came. The little _huff_ he’d probably let out, typing with his brows narrowed. The sole thought of this image made him want to groan, the memory of Baekhyun’s smirking face when he last saw him. No remorse, no apology and a bunch of an attitude, walking through his life like he deserved to be carried through it, this was how the man turned out, this was the image that was engraved deep under his skin, burning at the most unexpected moments.

_You told me to leave, not not to come back._

Another message came right after.

_And I want to. Let me?_

An imposter he was, the biggest fraud and Sehun knew all about that, had experienced that on his own skin. The man might have been the kindest, the most caring person, might have been making Sehun crazy about his body for a long time, might have still stayed on his mind, but that was just a façade. He did know it all, he wanted to block him, to delete the app, yet he reached for his phone. He knew he couldn’t have ignored it, even if he wanted to. And after a few words, he didn’t want to. A few words were enough for all of the images in his head, all of the memories that he kept buried deep down his chest, to come to life, to start an argument with the painful truth inside of his lean body. Almost an accident it was that there he was again typing away his most random thoughts into the screen a slight grin on his face but his hands shaking beyond his control, you could say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for staying with them till the end of the story!


End file.
